Years ago, I read a book on how to win friends and influence people. Did it always work? Not always, but I learned that when practiced consistently, the principles have a striking success rate. The techniques can help people feel genuinely connected, remembered, and valued in conversation.
Today, I want to cover two things: how to engage and influence, and a deeper look at the role our self-perception plays in social anxiety.
The Power of Attention and Listening
A lot of social anxiety comes from an inward focus – feeling like the world revolves around you, or worrying how others perceive you. This mindset can contribute to a heightened sense of importance, which, paradoxically, also heightens anxiety. One of the most practical techniques to ease anxiety is shifting the focus outward: make the conversation about others, not about you.
Introverts and extroverts bring unique strengths to conversations. Introverts, often natural listeners, may be initially quieter but have an attentive focus that can be powerful in building connections. Extroverts, with their spontaneous and expressive nature, excel in leading conversations. For those who experience social anxiety, making a conscious effort to listen and ask questions can be a surprisingly effective way to not only manage anxiety but to create deeper bonds.
Individualism and the Western Mindset
Western culture, with its focus on individualism, can sometimes promote a mindset where people view themselves as central. Education and societal values may reinforce this perception, resulting in personalities that feel like the world revolves around them. By contrast, other cultures may place more emphasis on collective identities and interconnectedness.
Engagement Through Genuine Interest
Returning to engagement, one of the best ways to connect with others is to make them the focal point of conversation. This approach, however, must come from a place of genuine curiosity, not manipulation. Though science does not take into account morals when it comes to human behaviour, using techniques to manipulate others can lead to superficial connections that lack depth and authenticity. Many business communication experts emphasise giving undivided attention to customers because it fosters a strong rapport. When you make someone feel seen and valued, they’re far more likely to open up and respond positively to your influence.
As Maya Angelou once said, ‘People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.’
This dynamic works especially well in Western cultures, where individualism is prominent. People often enjoy talking about themselves, and by asking about their experiences, you tap into a natural tendency for self-expression. This doesn’t just make people feel good – it creates a sense of importance and connection. When you engage with genuine curiosity, you build meaningful engagement that sticks long after the conversation is over.
The Power of Genuine Interest
To summarise, humans are naturally inclined to enjoy talking about themselves. By engaging others in conversation about their interests, you create a sense of importance and connection. This approach doesn’t just make people feel good – it also lays a foundation for meaningful engagement, one that sticks long after the conversation is over. In individualistic cultures, where self-expression is especially valued, this approach resonates even more deeply. By simply showing genuine interest, you can tap into this natural tendency, making people feel seen and fostering a lasting positive impression.
Books I Recommend
If you enjoyed this content, here are some books I highly recommend for deeper insights. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. This comes at no extra cost to you and helps support my work in providing quality recommendations. Links lead to the audiobook versions, but other formats are available on the same page.
